From the Desk of Mysterio - Buying Trip, June 2014
Mysterio is the world's only "infant mentalist" and the mastermind behind Mysterio Predicts, a line of baby t-shirts that bear the destiny of babies around the globe. Normally a recluse, Mysterio occasionally draws the curtain back to reveal his private and professional life. The following is an account from one of his adventures, collected from his posts to his Twitter and Instagram accounts. Mysterio has expanded on these posts and has added some additional content here for his curious followers. If you would like to follow Mysterio, you'll find him at mysteriotweets and mysteriopredicts, respectively.
Always Be Prepared...for ADVENTURE!
From this photo you can see some of the essentials I bring on a buying trip. Of course, my tuxedo and cape. Who would leave home without such finery!? I have learned to always travel with a pith helmet because sometimes overhead baggage can shift in flight and become quite dangerous upon deplaning. While I do recommend bringing a sacred dagger forged by the witches of the island of Oia (the ones on the southern tip are much easier to deal with), I DO NOT advise that you carry it onto your flight with you. A mistake I have only made twice. It's also a good idea to bring a handful of extra-long, hard-bound books made of heavy paper stock to enjoy during your travels.
My Journey Begins!
I greatly enjoy my visits to Hong Kong. I like to stand on the shores of Kowloon, extend my arm toward the Hong Kong skyline, open my palm to the skies and shout at my loudest, "HONG KONG! BY THE GOBLET OF CHARLEMAGNE YOU SHALL BEND TO MY WILL!!!". Then I relax my arm, collapse my fingers into a tense fist and then go have a refreshing drink somewhere to make a shopping list.
The Thrill of the Hunt!
The market at Causeway Bay is as good as it gets for the discerning infant mentalist. This shop in particular was very well stocked with not just the items stated above, but they also had a healthy stock of Twix, which, overseas, is always more delicious for some reason. With all that I found here, I was able to collect enough snacks for the flight to my first real buying destination!
Danger at Every Turn!
I've read of an ancient city buried deep in exotic jungles that holds a prize most coveted by those who seek the knowledge of THE FUTURE! While I knew the villagers were intent on keeping this power a secret, I risked life and limb to seek it, to own it, to MAKE IT MINE! I knew that if I could just reach my goal that I would be privy to a treasure I would cherish for all eternity! I should also mention that before I left for this perilous journey I was sure to scour every inch of amazon.com to be sure that I could not obtain it in a more safe fashion. I always do my due diligence before embarking on such a risky endeavor. And since this prize was not available on Prime, I was forced to obtain it the hard way.
Mine! For the Taking!!
I also had to wait in a rather lengthy line to purchase this prize. This, dear reader, is why services such as TripAdvisor.com are ruining things for us mystic adventurer-types! Is nothing sacred and secret and being guarded by fanatic local villagers who would kill you on site for just appearing before them as if my magic or some other devilry!? This business is only getting more difficult, I can assure you!
Exotic Lands and Strange Delicacies!
When you are as well traveled as I, you are able to experience all the exotic flavors of distant lands. Like this refreshingly sweet treat I stumbled across! Best enjoyed cold, this brownish liquid is neither too bitter or too sweet and it's tiny bubble tickle the nostrils in a delightful way. I almost think it would taster better in some sort of glass bottle, perhaps as curved as the smile it brought to my bearded lips! But you will have to take the word of a worldly traveler such as myself and envy my every delight.
Whenever I pass through this part of the country I stop by Kimmy Tailor to have some special clothing made. It is difficult to find the type of attire I am accustomed to anywhere but a few select TJ Max locations in the south-western parts of New Jersey. I rarely travel to that remote area. I find that tailors at Kimmy are expert at finding the perfect fit while adding any additions you request. I once ordered a tuxedo shirt woven with the curses of a thousand widows. It never needs ironing!
Making My Mark!
I met an incredible street artist in my back-alley wanderings who insisted I pay him for work I never commissioned. Why, I had not even been in his presence for more than a moment! He insisted that he had spent his entire life waiting for me to appear to him, for he saw my image in a dream. He led me to a small room that was very messy indeed. Thousands of wooden blocks littered the floor. He waded into the middle of the debris and scooped up double-handfuls of the stuff and brought them to me. To my surprise MY VERY IMAGE was carved upon each and every block!! I paid the man and took one of the blocks as a souvenir of this eerie event. I now use it to stamp my slightly-scornful image on each payment of my cable bill.
Exotic Foods at a Terrible Price!
My many adventures expose me to many surprising delicacies. This was no exception! The taste of this unfortunate creature was at first pungent before becoming almost too sour to be bearable! Once swallowed (in one spoonful as custom dictates), we all throw the empty heads in the roaring fire before grabbing another head (and accompanying razor) for another round. I must have eaten a hundred of these tasty fellows that night! Unfortunately, they went straight to my thighs, necessitating another fitting at the tailor's.
All the Comforts of Home!
While I always seek the very best in accommodations, I am certainly NOT high-maintenance. My needs are so limited as to fit on a single scroll that I present to the hotel manager as soon as I arrive. That the staff not EVER look me in the face and always whisper in my presence is not wholly unreasonable. Neither, I feel, is my need for the most elderly man in the village to be attired in only in a white tank-top and imprisoned in the room beside mine. He is then compelled to shriek loudly, and in a high tenor, every twenty-three minutes to keep undesirable night-goblins away. You would think I was asking for the world by the reaction I get sometimes!
No Such Thing As A Free Drink!
I have many fans. Those fans often shower me with gifts. So I thought nothing of imbibing this delicious beverage that was anonymously sent to my room. In the future I plan on bringing a special tasting-monkey who will first sample any edible gifts sent my way. You can be sure of that! While I am not proud of my gullibility in this matter, I am rather proud of my ability to continue "tweeting" throughout my short journey to unconsciousness.
When I came to my senses, I quickly realized that I had been kidnapped. For I was tied with thick ropes and above my head hung a large white sheet. Painted in red (blood?) glared the words, "YOU'RE KIDNAPPED!". The devilish crew spoke not a word, and soon we arrived at our apparent destination. A floating fishing village! The small population had survived generations aboard the floating collection of boat-homes. It was a hard life and they apparently wanted me to tell them if any of their children would rise from their ranks and break the cycle. Unfortunately, and entirely NOT of and faulty of mine, every child whose future I gazed into as destined to become either a FISHING PERSON, a FISH WHISPERER, a FISHY BUSINESSMAN or a CHAMPIAN PLAYER OF THE CARD GAME, GO-FISH. I was called a fraud and marooned on a remote island for what seemed like hours until I was rescued and brought to land. Penniless and quite angry, I roamed the unfamiliar countryside looking for a way back to my hotel.
Lost Then Found!
At my wits end, weak from hunger, parched and dehydrated, I finally crossed paths with this lovely young villager who was kind enough to lead me to civilization! After walking further for what must have been at least 18 minutes we found a Starbucks where I was able to quench my thirst with a Caramel Ribbon Crunch Créme Frappuccino.
Home Sweet Home!
My hotel had kept my room in order and had not even really known that I had been forcibly abducted and missing for weeks. In fact, even the elderly man imprisoned in the room beside mine kept up his nightly shouting. I was very impressed and informed all parties that I would indeed return to stay, but for some reason their reaction was less than enthused. Maybe it is just the way these people accept a compliment? My flight home was long and relatively uneventful. It is nice to be back at home with my pet Damocles, but I can tell that I will not stay idle long...ADVENTURE AWAITS!